Awkwardly feminine

Growing up, I noticed I was never quite like the majority of my same-sexed peers.  When I was in elementary school, I would ignore the girls during recess and play kickball with the boys.  Now as an adult, I always despise the fact that the guys get to go watch the game, while the girls finish up the dishes and talk for the rest of the evening.
I enjoy dressing up and I really enjoy hearing my name associated with the word beautiful (don't forget to use the comment section, *wink*), but I don't want to shave my legs and I'd rather not put pantyhose on, thank you very much.  I will, but I'd rather not.
I enjoy having a good hair day but I rarely do as I have no concept as to what to do with my poof ball (that's my term of affection for the stuff atop of my head).  I have been searching for 28 years for someone to teach me how to manage my hair, but have found no answers.  Any real women have suggestions? 
I feel a sense of terror when I have to put make-up on in a public restroom.  I rarely do, but when it is necessary for certain reasons (...zits...) I can feel the judgment across the lavatory as everyone is laughing at my poor-girl foundation and awkward application.  Of course, if I was loaded, I would have someone make me up every day so I could look down on all the 'uglies' that don't have personal trainers like me.  I would also pay someone to permanently air brush my zits away.
I just about break into hives when I hear mention of "Mary Kay" or some variation of the same.  I was snookered into going a couple of times to these "make your friends poor, ahem, I mean rich" pyramid-scheme parties, and I've got to tell you, they make me feel like I am from another planet.  Moments like a girl screaming in excitement over the newest facial cleanser, or someone telling me all the differences between this foot exfoliater versus the nine other exfoliators she's tried in the last year really remind me of how I felt at junior high dances- sweaty and alone.
Now, I'm not completely unfeminine and I do know what I hate about "masculinity."  Such items include spitting, smoking, smelling, farting...basically anything that smells bad I dislike.  I dislike constant bed head covered up by way of a ball cap.  By the way fellas, we all know you don't brush your hair (or are balding), so stop trying to act like your hat is just part of your swag.  I hate when men wrestle at a get-together and then act like that is a really manly thing to do.  Um, no it's not.  You are hugging each other all over for all your friends and complete strangers to see.  Again, gentlemen, sadly this "fun time" just makes us ladies more aware of how utterly out of shape and weak you are.  My girlfriend LaToya could totally take you.  
Besides despising certain masculine traits, I also enjoy being a girl.  I love chocolate.  I love romance.  I love Jewel and Kelly Clarkson (don't judge me!!!).  I love talking and sharing my deepest, darkest secrets to my closest girlfriends.  Also, being married, clearly, I like men- specifically, I love my man.  But, despite all my feminine traits, I still feel like I will never be part of the club.  But you know what?  I am sure I am not alone, and I am sure that many of you ladies are faking it like that suntan that comes out of a bottle.