Two years and counting

Do you ever wonder where you will be in two years time? Do you ever catch yourself thinking things like, "in five years I must be a home owner", or, "in fifteen years I will be done having children."
Two years ago, Brandon and I were married. That was a wonderful day. I wonder if I have lived up to the expectation I set before myself those two years ago. Some goals I set for myself then I still remember, because they have not changed. Others, I am sure, have come in and gone from my mind like the tide sifting through the vast array of golden sand.

One goal I set before myself at that time was to still be married two years down the road. By God's goodness and mercy, Brandon and I have successfully and gleefully accomplished this task. God has granted us many of our hearts desires these past two years, more than we are even aware of, and for this we are humbled and grateful.

But, not to spare the rod, God has not given me (nor Brandon) all that we want. May the God of Abraham be praised for His lovingkindness to His children. Another goal of mine two years ago was to continue on into graduate school as to learn more about my singing voice and to be in operas. When I was not cast in a single show this past year, something that I have accomplished previously as a much feebler singer, I was taken aback. I gave just about the best audition of my life and several of the university professors even went out of their way to tell me so. But God is a sovereign God.

I would like to sugar coat the whole story for my dear readers and say that I prayed about it and was able to trust God in a very short period of time. I did pray, but I did not trust. The whole year was like one big smack in the face after another. I didn't get cast and most of my classmates did, so I had to live with that humiliation, since I refused to trust. I didn't get cast but other singers with lesser voices did, again, humiliation. I auditioned for summer program, after summer program, and nobody was interested. "Excuse me, doesn't anybody else hear what I'm hearing?" "I'm good, really, I am." Many tears, many more failed singing endeavors, and then to boot, starting in December, I am getting a cold about once a month, so I am singing on sick cords or not singing at all. Even my recital was hindered by these illnesses.

I would like to now sugar coat this section and say, well, now I realize how I am not trusting God with my voice and everything is all better. The truth is, I think I see more clearly now that I have stepped away from school this summer, but I am still struggling greatly with trusting God with my future in opera. I am still getting colds a lot and my voice is really struggling from that. And I am really confused about what to do.  I don't know what God wants me to do, so I just go back and forth.

All this to say, two years ago I had no clue. I still don't.